One Month of Cora — notes to self
Dear friend(s),
I was taking some personal notes to remind myself later on how this period felt for me, and what it meant, but giving it a second thought, I decided to share them with you — if you’re interested, of course — so it can be used as some sort of support (?), or just some curious reading. Either way, please note the below is all personal, and might not be applicable to you, so please read it with a pinch of salt. Remember: every woman is different, every pregnancy is different, every labour is different and so is every baby. :)
As you know, our baby girl Cora was born a couple of weeks ago, after 3 membrane sweeps, 6 days of contractions and 1 quick hour of pushing (and pulling). Because she flirts with the dramatic, of course we needed some adrenaline, so she came out with the assistance of a vacuum extractor (and therefore with a cone-head), and interestingly, I had two placentas (!).
She’s a Taurus (18 May), born in the year of the Ox. Which means she will be a stubborn one and will like things her way. (LONG LOUD SIGH).
The three of us are healthy and well — and most of the time, happy too — and very thankful for our families and friends who have been so supportive during this time (newborn time + COVID time).
We’re definitely trying our best every single day. And every day we learn something new. It’s been a challenging, but rewarding journey so far, which I’m sure will only get better with time. We will (hopefully) get better as parents, and we can’t wait to see what Cora will surprise us with next!
Happy reading,
Paula
Just to organise my thoughts a bit, the notes below are divided into 2 periods:
B.C.: Before Cora (including labour)
A.C.: After Cora (as you’ll see most of my notes are during this time)
B.C.
Prepare to “push”
Unlike I had been told, the ‘push’ is not like ‘poo-push’, it’s more like ‘shit, my tampon got stuck and I can’t reach the string, so will need to push with the strength of my vagina’ — this is a hypothetical situation, I never lost the string, but you get the idea. The strength you make should be coming from your abs and diaphragm, not from your bum: it’s like you take a very deep breath in, hold the air in and push, then you release the air, and start all over again. The pushes should happen while you’re having a contraction, so this process will occur 3–4 times every contraction. And it’s true: if you get the epidural, you won’t feel any pain, so don’t worry about it. My other concern was about timing, how do I know when I should be pushing, and for how long? — Not to worry, the midwives/nurses will tell you when to do so, so just trust them and go with the flow.
Prepare the hospital bag
We watched videos on YouTube, read reviews on the Internet and asked several friends what to take to the hospital. We gathered all the information and tips, and prepped a full-on travel bag with enough supplies to get us through a month lost in the forest: we had snacks (savoury, sweet, coconut water, mints), two types of lip balm, chargers for all types of plugs and adaptors, extension socket, Philips Hue lights — for different light colours, of course!, — massage oil, lavender oil, speakers (and a special curated Spotify playlist obviously), change of clothes, toiletries, postpartum sprays and pads, even some yoga props, and much, much more. The bag was so ready. And then… we used 15% of what we had packed.
Look, I’ll be honest: you know yourself — if you’re not the type of person who calms down with dimmer light, zen music and infused oils, then you’re 100% not becoming that person during labour — which means: you do not need any of that. I packed all of that ‘just in case’, but it ended up being an overkill. So just remember the type of traveller/person you are and pack what you normally would for a 3-night sleepover.
What I found quite useful: long-cord phone charger, whatever beverage that gives you a boost (in my case, coconut water), chocolate, mouthwash (if you’re not able to brush your teeth), nursing clothes/PJ’s.
Prepare for loads of comments like “sleep while you can”
I honestly never understood those comments “enjoy while you can”, “sleep as much as you can now, because later…”, etc., as if sleep could be accumulated and then “used for later”. I guess they’re trying to warn you there won’t be much sleep after the baby is born (which is true), but such a weird way to put it. It doesn’t matter how much you manage to get before having the baby, it won’t be the same after, but that’s expected. Also, two things: 1) apparently there’s a part of your brain that activates once you have a kid, the “worrying spot” that will never turn off again; 2) each baby has a different sleeping behaviour, so maybe you’ll get lucky and your baby will sleep loooong hours (unlike Cora). So, in my opinion, a comment like “pray your baby sleeps well” would make more sense. :)
Prepare your perineal area
Episiotomy was something I had a very clear and strong opinion against, and fortunately so did my doctor. As you must be aware by now, natural birth comes with the chance of tearing. However, there are ways you can avoid it or reduce the need for stitches. Our doctor suggested we tried either perineal massages or these exercises using this thing called “epi-no” (from the words ‘episiotomy no’), and we chose to go for the latter. The manual recommends starting it from week 37, but we began when we hit the 34th, and we did it practically every night. It’s basically a pelvic floor trainer that also helps to loosen the perineal area preparing it for labour. It takes some days to “get used to it”, but it really does make a difference. I would highly recommend it to anyone going natural — and after giving birth you can still use it for kegel exercises (which we’ll talk about later).
A.C.
Prepare to fall in love (again) with your partner — harder and deeper
I didn’t think it was possible, but I love Marc more than I did before. After seeing him act as a third midwife in the delivery room, and his dedication and care towards our baby, I admire and respect him more than ever. I truly appreciate his enthusiasm and energy, and I can see in his eyes he’s genuinely happy about being a dad. This brings peace to my heart;
Prepare to hate your partner as well (and his stupid comments)
They can easily forget that you’re still recovering from GIVING FREAKING BIRTH to a human — just because you can walk, talk and eat, doesn’t mean you’re ready to go hike the Mount Everest. Things take time, so just remind them you’re still not 100%, which means everything is slower (and painful) for you — walking, sitting, standing up, moving, etc..
Prepare to take hormones seriously
It’s a thing, and they rule your mood, your humour, your whole body and mind. You will feel a thousand different things at the same time: happiness, love, anger, sadness, nostalgia, fear and more. I have been crying practically every single day since I gave birth, for all the imaginable reasons — my mind was taking me places and creating stories in my head… Good ones and bad ones, and that’s tricky. I thought about loss, death and distance, I thought about how time was passing by and how far we are from my family, and that made me so sad. At the same time, I was thinking about how blessed we are for having this opportunity of feeling such an amazing and strong love, and that calmed my heart… So yes, crying will be part of your routine.
However, please note that this shouldn’t last for too long. Be kind to yourself, and be attentive to the signs of PPD: talk to your doctor and reach out for help if you feel there’s something that is not right. Speak up and don’t treat it as a taboo, it’s more common than we think, and it’s high time we talk about it openly without any judgement. Husbands/Partners: you too should be alert for those signs, don’t think everything is just tiredness.
Prepare to deal with unsolicited advice from everyone
It doesn’t matter if they have kids or not, it doesn’t matter if you asked for help/suggestions or not, people will give you advice, share their opinions, POV’s, tell their experience, life stories, or things they heard from someone else. Prepare to be bombarded, they’ll be coming from everyone — your mum, your relatives, your aunties, friends, friends of friends, cousins, sisters, your in-laws. Mind you: they all have amazing tips, the best solutions and of course, the best of intentions… They all want to help. I don’t agree with everything my mum tells me for example, but it’s OK to agree to disagree, also don’t forget a LOT has changed from the time we were babies!
Prepare your stock of nappies and wet wipes
It will look like they’re doing it on purpose, or just making fun of you, but as soon as you change their nappy, you’ll hear the sound of some fresh poop straight out of the oven — ok, 2nd round of changing. Done with nappy #2 in a row and… *thunder* surprise! ROUND 3!
Prepare for different “schools of thought”
I’m all about bathing newborns, Marc is not — and this is just one example of the things we diverge. Someone has got to give, and it’s usually him because I play the “I am the mum, I birthed her”- card very well (and very often — I wonder how long he will fall for it). Anyway, there’s no RIGHT/WRONG answer, just different approaches — (I know it because I also spoke to the paediatrician about it), so it’s really up to you how to get things done. But on a serious note, mums are usually right, because mother instinct is real: we get to know our babies on a different level, we can sense when they’re about to puke, when their tummy hurts, when it’s not just hunger, etc., so trust your gut, trust your feelings.
Prepare for “I am tired of being tired”
It’s f*cking exhausting. Yeah, yeah, it’s beautiful and all, but JESUS CHRIST, it’s tiring AF. To the point you get tired of being tired. And when people check in on you, there’s nothing else you can say but “I’m well, I’m tired”, and it is what it is… If you can, get help — get people to send you food, get someone to clean and wash for you, because believe me, you will NOT have time for anything else. You can follow all the miraculous tips from the most famous baby gurus on Earth, your baby will not cooperate — but it’s ok, because they’re humans, they’re not robots, so we can’t really expect them to do things the way that is more convenient for us (wouldn’t that be a dream?). What works for us: white noise machines (love them and now I’m also addicted to them too), making the shhhh-shhhh sound when putting her to sleep (not sure if I make this sound to calm her down, or calm myself down), and not looking/staring at her whenever trying to make her sleep — apparently, looking at babies is too stimulating for them, so it’s the last thing you want to do. Oh, and singing! Sometimes it helps too :).
Prepare to love your new body
Right now it’s too early for me to tell you whether I’m going to be OK with mine, or not. It’s a very conflicting situation, personally… I put on over 20kg during my pregnancy, and my skin isn’t very elastic, which means I have stretch marks all over my belly, breasts, thighs and groin area — like, a lot of them. The picture isn’t glamorous: the doctor has already told me my stretch marks are here to stay, and because of the type of my skin and the weight I put on, I’ll probably have some loose/extra skin when I lose weight and get “back to normal”. I’m trying to keep positive about it, trying to tell myself “it’s OK, Paula, you’ll learn how to love your new figure too… Because it’s the body that gave you the most precious gift”, but the truth is that I’m not sure yet. There are a lot of insecurities rising and I can’t help but to compare myself with what I see online (even though I know I shouldn’t). I guess only time will tell for this one, because right now, my main focus is my recovery and the baby.
Prepare to wet yourself
Even if you rush to the toilet, it’s already coming out — whenever you sneeze, laugh, cough, or breathe, here’s a bit of pee to remind you of your incapability of holding your own urine. You can’t control it, but you can feel it — which makes it worse, I think!. Thank God for maxi pads with ultra absorbing capabilities! What really helps: kegel exercises — do them.
Oh, and disposable panties! The least sexy thing on the planet, but so handy. Remember to stock up, you’ll bleed for at least 2 weeks after giving birth (natural birth at least, not sure on timings for C-secs).
Prepare for an overwhelming number of texts, WhatsApp messages, calls, etc.
If you’re an introvert and not a big social person, this can give you a bit of anxiety, like it happened to me — so, I’m here to tell you: it’s OK. You don’t have to respond to all messages, people can wait for updates, and most of them understand your new schedule leaves little room for social interactions. Take your time, try not to stress out too much and keep informed those who really need to be informed. Maybe you’ll get one or two “friends” upset for the lack of news, but then that will make you rethink your friendships. If you’re more on Marc’s side — a lot more sociable and high energy, then you’ll have a blast responding to everyone, so enjoy! Whichever side you are, just respect yourself and do whatever you feel like doing.
Adding to this topic, the same philosophy can be applied for visitors. No need to rush it — allow visitors whenever you feel ready for them, start with your closest friends or relatives, as they will understand if you need them to go a bit earlier and need some space. Also, most of them know how hard it is, so no one is expecting you to prepare the house to host a feast or anything — they can get their own glass of water ;).
Prepare your nipples
I know you’ve heard it a zillion times already, and here it goes a zillion and one: breastfeeding is no easy task. There are tricks and tips that your lactation consultant can help you with — they’re really amazing, I must say — but to be very honest, only time will get your nipples “ready”. It will hurt at first — it will hurt A LOT actually: there might be blisters, blood, cracked and sore nipples for days — I won’t lie. However, once you get the hang of it (and your baby too), then it will get better. And it’s not just the nipples, it’s the positioning, it’s holding the head right, it’s waiting for the mouth to be at the correct angle, it’s your posture, it’s your gaze, it’s your breathing, it’s waiting for the temperature, pressure and gravity to be STP… It’s a whole lot of shit to be aligned to ensure the feed goes accordingly. So, in short, it can be quite stressful! On top of that, after giving birth, your milk can take up to 3–5 days or so to “come down”, and before that you’ll probably just have a bit of colostrum, so there’s also the pressure of “OMG, am I starving my baby?”. You’re not. This happens, and if you are (not on purpose, of course), no shame in resorting to baby formulas.
What worked for me: massaging my breasts, massaging my nipples, wearing nipple cream and letting milk dry on my skin (apparently it has this magical healing power or something). What I heard worked well for other mums: cold cabbage leaves.
Prepare to become a zombie
In my life B.C. (before Cora), I had planned to spend my maternity leave days reading, watching films and series, doing this online Marketing course I’ve been pushing back for months now, prepping meals, and so forth. OH, SILLY ME! Ha-ha. If our lives were a TV show, it’d be The Walking Dead. The routine can be challenging, and the lack of sleep doesn’t help obviously, so what I’d suggest is: take turns — with whoever is available to help you. You’re the milk bearer, so unfortunately you can’t share that, but for the rest (changing the nappies, putting baby to sleep, cooking, washing, cleaning, doing admin stuff, grocery shopping, etc.), flag if necessary. You’re not less of a superwoman because you need a bit of help.
Cora is now a month old, and these are the notes I wanted to share with my future-self (and now you too!). Hopefully it was useful somehow (or at least a bit interesting).
Our journey with our baby girl has just started, and even though I can be a bit crazy and hormonal right now, it has some really amazing moments that make all the sleepless nights worth it. (But let’s be honest: I can’t wait for my brain to erase all the trauma too!)
We’re still getting to know each other, and I’m sure we’ll both get better at this mother-daughter relationship, but one thing is for sure: she’s already the best person I know. Cora, I love you with all my heart.